The brightest diamond;

Let’s get something clear, dating is indeed “discriminatory”. We are choosing and being chosen. No matter what the reason, not getting what we want can be a negative experience. Those negative feelings are made much worse by false assumptions about rejection. If those false assumptions are corrected, then the majority of negative feelings can be avoided.

When rejecting behavior occurs, individuals sometimes are led to believe and think, “I just got rejected. They didn’t like me.” Compounded with harsh rejecting behavior from others, these self-thoughts may even include “I am a no-good, worthless person, etc.”. The result is a very negative experience and perhaps a lasting poor self-image.

To help protect yourself against such negative and undeserved feelings, it can be helpful to counter the unfair cognitive distortions. To do so, keep the following in mind:

1) Each instance (approach, date request, etc.) is unique and different. Whether one or several people have demonstrated rejecting behaviors towards your request, you cannot logically generalize to “everyone” or “always”. Each time, place, and person is distinctive. What is true for one is not true for all. The next person could be different. So, try not to overgeneralize. Stay hopeful. Keep an open mind.

2) Rejection is not your fault. Try not to personalize and take the blame. There are many reasons why someone can be disinterested and very few of them relate to you at all. This is even MORE true, in instances where the other person is needlessly abusive or shaming. That is clearly their issues, which they are trying to push onto you, and you are not responsible for causing. However, do stay open to civil explanations and respectful feedback.

3) Rejection says nothing about you as a person. This is where the phrase “I got rejected” is particularly troubling. “You” did not get rejected. The person saying no doesn’t even know the essential “you”. How could they reject it? You have not downloaded your personal life history into them. So, try not to label yourself based on one superficial interaction (or many). Be vigilant to not give anyone who doesn’t really know you that much influence over your self-image. Certainly a 30 second chat, or even several dates, doesn’t qualify someone as an expert on “you” to judge you.