The brightest diamond;

Let’s get something clear, dating is indeed “discriminatory”. We are choosing and being chosen. No matter what the reason, not getting what we want can be a negative experience. Those negative feelings are made much worse by false assumptions about rejection. If those false assumptions are corrected, then the majority of negative feelings can be avoided.

When rejecting behavior occurs, individuals sometimes are led to believe and think, “I just got rejected. They didn’t like me.” Compounded with harsh rejecting behavior from others, these self-thoughts may even include “I am a no-good, worthless person, etc.”. The result is a very negative experience and perhaps a lasting poor self-image.

To help protect yourself against such negative and undeserved feelings, it can be helpful to counter the unfair cognitive distortions. To do so, keep the following in mind:

1) Each instance (approach, date request, etc.) is unique and different. Whether one or several people have demonstrated rejecting behaviors towards your request, you cannot logically generalize to “everyone” or “always”. Each time, place, and person is distinctive. What is true for one is not true for all. The next person could be different. So, try not to overgeneralize. Stay hopeful. Keep an open mind.

2) Rejection is not your fault. Try not to personalize and take the blame. There are many reasons why someone can be disinterested and very few of them relate to you at all. This is even MORE true, in instances where the other person is needlessly abusive or shaming. That is clearly their issues, which they are trying to push onto you, and you are not responsible for causing. However, do stay open to civil explanations and respectful feedback.

3) Rejection says nothing about you as a person. This is where the phrase “I got rejected” is particularly troubling. “You” did not get rejected. The person saying no doesn’t even know the essential “you”. How could they reject it? You have not downloaded your personal life history into them. So, try not to label yourself based on one superficial interaction (or many). Be vigilant to not give anyone who doesn’t really know you that much influence over your self-image. Certainly a 30 second chat, or even several dates, doesn’t qualify someone as an expert on “you” to judge you.

Being alone can feel awkward. It’s easy to equate aloneness with loneliness. I have seen people who never seem to stop moving and “doing,” and I ask myself if they are afraid to stop and face themselves, their lives, their fears, their emotions? Distractions keep the days moving. But is this living the abundant life God meant for us?

I have come to believe that it’s a powerful thing to be able to be alone with God for long periods of time, having trained oneself not to feel guilty, not to be lonely, and to be refreshed by God in that place of solitude. I think we were made for solitude with God. It’s the place where real relationship happens.

 How have I changed in these years? Who have I become? What has God taught me in the quietness with Him?

Many singles make the mistake of putting their lives on hold until they marry and “get a real life.” This idea is detrimental to unmarried Christians and the Church. If every single dedicated himself or herself to the Lord, lived life fully, recognized their extraordinary value, and used all of their talents and opportunities to serve, there would be almost no need left in churches and ministries, and the entire world could be reached with the Gospel of Jesus Christ! Singles need to stop believing the “I am missing something” lie and accept the call to obey and serve God with their whole heart, mind, and strength. Marriage may or may not be a part of God’s plan for you so it is time to live the life you have now and trust God for the rest.

The opponent is the voice that encourages you to withhold your love from others when you feel hurt, abandoned, and unloved. It is the voice that taunts, “You are not good enough to pursue a relationship with this person. He/She will surely discover all of your faults and run the other way”. It is the voice that tells you that you are better off alone and not worthy of love- not from others or the Creator. It is the voice that tells you that no one on earth could possibly understand you or meet your needs, so you should try your best to fulfill them on your own. It is the voice that prompts you to protect your self worth at all costs.

What is the purpose of these painful thoughts? The opponent designs them to keep you isolated and in an extremely needy state. And you know by know what happens when you are in this state. You become desperate to fill the void you feel inside. Instead of sharing your love unconditionally, the opponent motivates you to do the opposite- to receive or take unconditionally leaving you feeling even less worthy than you felt before.